


Loss of a Father

by Fiobri



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: And Gets One, Bromance, Crying!Merlin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grieving!Merlin, Hugs, Magic Revealed, Mental Breakdown, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Oneshot, Protective Arthur, Reveal!fic, caring!arthur, merlin needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 13:57:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17982392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiobri/pseuds/Fiobri
Summary: It's never easy to lose family. Grief that was never allowed out finally breaks free and Arthur is left looking for a missing servant.





	Loss of a Father

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! My first post on AO3. Wrote this... I dunno when. A year ago? More? Less? Well, it's about time it gets published here too. Crossposted on FFN.

He was always there. Always smiling that goofy grin with confidence. Always clumsily keeping up with him. Always doing anything and everything for the best of everyone. Always there when he needed someone to have his back, not that he'd ever admit it. Always  _right there._

So  _why couldn't he find him?_

He searched the armory, stables, his room, physician's chambers, kitchens, even the tallest tower! The clumsy servant wasn't  _anywhere_. Needless to say, he was annoyed. Very annoyed. And if some of that annoyance was to cover the growing anxiety and worry it wasn't anyone's business. The boy had not gotten him his breakfast, hadn't come to the training field, didn't show up all morning. It was so  _worrying_.

Again, that's not anyone's business.

He'd already asked Gwen if she had seen her fellow dark haired servant with no luck and the physician wasn't at the castle to tell where his ward was. Whatever the idiot was doing he was absolutely sure it was not work. The cheeky boy just  _loved_  to laze around…

That wasn't strictly true. Arthur knew his manservant was one of the most hard working people in the household. He actually had two masters to please and ridiculously long chore lists for every single day as well as the job of accompanying the prince to any meeting the council might have. Sometimes, just sometimes, Arthur wondered if he should let the boy some slack… But no. The servant would get a  _long_  list of things to do for wasting his prince's time with this  _stupid_  disappearing act and a big piece of his mind whenever he found the ungrateful little pest.

The prince kicked a small stone while imagining an angry speech for his servant slash best friend but came to a halt as his eyes noticed a shabby boot poking out behind a rose bush not ten meters away.

What's the idiot doing in the gardens?

Pursing his lips Arthur started walking purposefully towards the skinny boy, preparing to shout the living daylights out of him. Then again, that might not be possible with how happy-go-lucky the servant always seemed to be.

His plans were given an abrupt change when he stomped around the thorny flowers. Arthur stopped like he'd been slapped. His servant was back against the wall with his knees brought up to his chest, head buried in the twig like arms.

This, however, was not what stopped the prince. It was the shaking.

The boy was crying.

The image was so very  _wrong_. His servant, the most loyal, brave and selfless servant he  _ever_  had the pleasure of meeting was choking down sobs and drowning in misery. It wasn't supposed to  _be_  like that.

An overwhelming desire to help drove him into doing something, anything at all.

"Merlin?", he winced at his rough voice.

Fast like lightning the boy's head snapped up, blue eyes locking with blue, though one set was noticeably wet. A second passed and the servant got over his shock, wiping his eyes furiously before pushing himself up, not meeting his master's gaze again.

"...Yes, Sire", the voice was small, laced with embarrassment and sorrow that couldn't be concealed so quickly, much less ignored.

There was a pause as Arthur tried to grasp at something to say.

"Merlin, what's wrong?", he settled on, voice betraying the concern it had managed to hide in so many other situations.

His best friend looked away and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'nothing'. The prince felt his temper rising at the servant's attitude.

"Nothing?  _Nothing!?_  It's not  _nothing_ , Merlin, you don't cry for  _nothing!_ ", he grasped the boy's shoulders gently, "Tell me what's wrong. I want to help"

Something unreadable flashed in the blue eyes as they looked at the ground, "...n't"

Arthur waited but his manservant didn't elaborate, "Merlin? I couldn't hear you"

Bright eyes swished up, "I  _can't_ , okay? I just  _can't!_ ", his gaze fell to their boots again, "It's just- I don't- You won't like it", the tone became defensive.

The prince was at a loss. He didn't know what to say to that. He didn't even know what to do. The blond noble sighed and guided his friend to sit back where he'd found him before sitting next to him, arm left around the boy's slim shoulders. He could feel the servant was stiff like a board. Arthur wanted to sigh again. Sometimes Merlin could be so hard to handle! Almost desperate to know what had gotten his servant like this he started talking.

"...I won't like it?", he asked in almost a whisper, "Is it that bad?"

He watched as the boy's eyes grew impossibly sad, almost tortured. The prince took it as a yes. Taking a deep breath he continued.

"Wh- ", he cleared his throat a bit, "What do I have to do? So that you can tell me?", he immediately shoved away the possibility that he couldn't do  _anything_.

His servant's gaze moved to the sky. It seemed very thoughtful under all that grief. Arthur held his breath as he waited for the answer.

"...I don't know... ", said the dark haired boy, sounding as lost as the prince felt.

There was a long pause. Finally Merlin glanced sideways.

"I... don't know if you're ready to hear…"

Readying himself the prince nodded, "I'll be ready for anything"

There was a strangled laugh, "No. No you're not. Not for- ", he choked on a sob, "It's just too  _much!_ "

Helplessly Arthur watched as his servant was again shoved under the pressure of anguish, longing and sadness. His heart swelled and more than anything he wanted to relieve it, shoulder some of it. The prince really felt like he could do anything for his best friend.

...Even admit that the boy really was his best friend.

"Merlin… I- You- I've never told you this but… You're my best friend", he felt his friend's sharp intake of breath but he had more, "...Actually, no. You're… You're like I would imagine a little brother… Idiot, you got me all emotional too", he added just to take some of the embarrassment away.

He did not like to talk about feelings. This situation though… It called for something like that.

The 'little brother' laughed breathlessly, "And here It thought I was the only one…", he took a deep shaky breath, "I… The world… It feels like it's  _crushing_  me and then shatters what's left to million pieces"

Arthur felt his grip tighten as he shuddered at the description. Questions swirled in his mind and he picked the one on the top of his tongue. It was the one he wanted, no,  _needed_  to know.

"Why- Why does it feel like that?", he really hated how weak and desperate it sounded.

There was a long quiet moment before Merlin took a shuddering breath. His voice was strained and so  _f_ _ragile_  that Arthur's stomach twisted in knots. He wanted to cardle the servant in his arms and  _never_  let go and rip the _thing_  that made him like this to  _shreds!_

"Can you promise to hear me out? To listen until the end?"

The blond immediately went for 'of course' but paused. Could he really? He didn't know what was going to be said. There were many, many possibilities. It couldn't be good, but… he trusted Merlin. With his life. He would protect his brother with his own life too.

"Yes", he answered with certainty.

The servant seemed to deflate. The tension in his shoulders relaxed and he… actually it felt like he went lax. Surrendered to reality.

"...I- ", there was a pause, "I lost someone important a while back"

Arthur stiffened. Someone had died? Granted, 'lost' could mean many things, but the way it was said indigated 'gone forever'.

_No wonder he looks like this! He's probably bottled it up inside him for all this time…_

The prince felt stupid for not noticing anything being different. Now that he thought of it the signs were there. Arguments left unanswered, the lost look in the servant's eyes as he spaced out, that sometimes ragged appearance as if he would keel over or the strange desperate need to be doing  _something_  mind numbing. To keep himself from breaking apart. Like now had happened. Arthur tightened his hold around the slimmer man slightly as he concentrated on what was being said.

"It's… I never really knew him but… he was my fa-  _father_ ", the boy's voice shook.

He froze. Wait, what? His best friend had met his father? The servant had told him he didn't know who his father was. When?  _How?_  Why didn't he  _know_  anything about it?! Arthur swallowed the questions. They would most likely be answered.

"He- Arthur I only had one day to get to know him!  _One day!_  Then he died. In my  _arms_ ", Merlin said with that frantic, lost,  _shattered_  expression and Arthur broke a little.

How had he been able to keep this anguish in? Let alone from him! But as Arthur listened he almost remembered something. Then the slow realization slowly cleared.

This started to look familiar. Way too familiar. It  _couldn't_  be. But it fit. It freaking  _fit_.

"Merl- ", he started but was cut off by words and bright blue eyes looking straight into his.

They searched for something and Arthur didn't know what to give. If he knew he would've given it in a  _heartbeat_.

"Yes", Merlin knew what the prince had guessed, fear and anticipation for  _some_  reaction evident, "Balinor was my father. My father was the last Dragonlord", the blue eyes began to water and as he continued his voice cracked and prepared to tell him something else, "Arthur, my  _entire existence_  is against Camelot's laws! They say I should be  _executed_  because I was  _born!_  Like- Like I'm a  _mistake_  of some sort!"

The prince was in some kind of a shock. He looked right into his friend's desperate and sorrowful eyes. Fear of rejection shone somewhere in their depths but Arthur was too shaken to see. It took a long time to process the words. Seconds stretched longer.

Then, when they did register, they hit.  _Hard_. Arthur's eyes were wide with understanding and horrified sympathy.

_Oh. So that's why- …Oh, Merlin!_

He moved without thought and soon the dark haired servant found himself pressed against Arthur's broad chest. The prince was shaking. His mind whirled with what had been revealed. It had happened almost a month ago. His brother had lost his father almost a  _month_  ago! They had fought the dragon right after and what had he said? 'No man is worth your tears'. He'd basically  _forbidden_  him from mourning. How he now wished he could take the words back. To be able to  _stop_  the words told to him by his father coming out of his own mouth. Was he really so ignorant? He really hoped not because if he was, what else had he missed?

Two hesitant arms wrapped around his back and gripped his shirt. Merlin's whole body was shaking and the prince felt the shirt get wet. Arthur let him be. Let him cry. He himself felt like he could cry. His best friend was the son of a  _Dragonlord!_

Then the implications of  _that_  tidbit hit his already shaken mind.

_Son- Son of a Dragonlord…? But that could mean- !_

He abruptly jerked Merlin away, checking him over while gripping his shoulders. The boy had gotten his sobs under control but his tear stricken face let anyone know he was far from alright. There shock and slight fear over the sudden movement. The prince would've felt a bigger pang if something important hadn't grabbed his attention.

"...You're a Dragonlord?", Arthur's voice was no more than a whisper. It had the smallest hint of an accusation and hurt betrayal.

The servant flinched but kept his ground. The prince had always thought him brave. He waited for an answer with bated breath and got it. Merlin nodded shortly, jerkily, and afraid of what was to come. Suddenly Arthur was mad. No,  _enraged!_  Feelings  _really_  weren't his thing.

"And you tell me now? Why did you let that dragon  _rampage_  around!? People were  _killed!_ ", he hissed, shaking the boy roughly.

Merlin flinched again this time looking like he was in pain under the enormous weight of guilt, "...The power of the Dragonlords pass from father to son… upon the father's death", was the quiet, yet powerful, whisper.

And Arthur's anger was blown away as fast as it came, if not faster. It was  _exactly_  like how he would be king once his father died. It was a responsibility thrust upon Merlin's young shoulders without proper training and no prior knowledge. At least he, as crown prince, had had proper education to succeed the throne. His servant had everything  _shoved_  on him. First just the fact that a Dragonlord was his father. Then the meeting with him was only so they could save Camelot, a city that's laws would have Balinor and Merlin  _executed_. Only to see him die saving his son. No time to get over it because a  _dragon_  had to be taken care of. And a prince telling him not to cry. Seriously, was this boy's loss nothing but tragic? Then he came to another realization that should've been  _obvious_  the moment his servant uttered that sentence. It hit him like a ton of bricks.

"...You saved Camelot", he said in a calm and asking tone, surprising himself, "...and let me take the credit?"

This time Merlin seemed slightly sheepish as he looked away with a shrug, grief pushed back for a moment, "...Wouldn't be the first time…", he muttered so quietly Arthur almost missed it.

Once again the crown prince sat in shock while staring at his servant. The remark bounced around his head again and again.

_Not the first time, Not the First Time, NOT THE FIRST TIME!?_

There were  _more!?_  He had missed  _MORE!?_  Arthur felt like his entire world had shattered and reassembled itself when he wasn't looking. The thought of  _Merlin_  taking out threats to Camelot was so  _ludicrous_  it belonged on the last page of a joke book. Except the boy's words rang with truth.  _Truth_. Arthur didn't know what to think anymore so he just decided he had to get to the bottom of this. He slowly took his hand to his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Taking a deep, calming breath he looked to quietly panicked and drained (but also relieved) Merlin again. This wasn't a place to talk. It was on the ground and wide open to eavesdroppers.

"Let's go to my chambers", he dared the other to object, "We have a  _lot_  to talk about. How long do you think it will take?"

The servant scrambled to his feet and dried his eyes before giving his prince a shaky but genuine grin, "Uhh… Long?", he guessed.

The prince deadpanned and grabbed the boy's arm, dragging him towards the castle gently, "We'll see", he muttered almost to himself.

About five minutes later Arthur closed the door behind him, locked it and motioned for Merlin to sit down across him. Then he locked his eyes with his friend's who was mostly done with crying and emotions and looked to this conversation with something akin to anticipation and dread. Though the dread part was quite low. A steely determination was the undercurrent of everything. Arthur now knew without doubt that this was the bravest man he had ever met.

"Okay. Start talking", he ordered.

The boy visibly cringed and grimaced, "Fair warning…?"

The prince cocked an eyebrow, kind of hoping this wasn't going to leave him in another state of shock. He'd had it enough in  _this hour_  to last a lifetime thank you very much.

"...This should get me killed several hundred times over"

Arthur wished he could just slam his head on his desk right about now. That  _one_  sentence set in stone how much he had missed all this time. How much would have to change so that his brother's existence in Camelot would be  _legal_  let alone  _safe?_

Nevertheless, he motioned for Merlin to continue.

And there started the rollercoaster of emotion, confusion and generally turning Arthur's world upside down, stone by stone. His appreciation towards his servant grew and grew as he got to know him better. His best friend had magic. Magic wasn't evil. His brother had been hiding all of it all this time. Arthur felt stupid for not noticing. Merlin told him all about himself, about them and by the end of it the sun had set. By the end of it Merlin had poured it all off his chest. Now the boy knew he would be accepted. The prince knew he could trust him with his life and he wanted Merlin to know it worked the other way around too. So that's why, when the servant's story ended (several hours later and Merlin hadn't been kidding with his estimation of  _long_ ), he started another.

"You know, when I was small…"

Merlin listened with all of his attention as Arthur in turn laid bare all of his own insecurities. The two had never been closer and that bond would only grow with trial and error. Camelot would never be the same. Destiny had turned a new page. That day, as if by magic, their friendship clicked in place never to be destroyed.

They'd take on the whole world before letting that happen.

xXXx


End file.
